Going Somewhere? Going Nowhere
by emcaro
Summary: How is it that I can scream my head off at you in the afternoon, threaten to curse you within an inch of your life, then turn around and have a deep, soul searching conversation with you that same evening?"


I don't remember a time when I had ever felt so empty. Not when Petunia rejected me. Not when my parents overlooked me. Not first year as I stumbled through my new, unfamiliar World, lost and lonely.

Sev was Sev. We were supposed to be friends. Best friends. I was only protecting him. I protected all of my friends. I protected Remus from his secrets. I protected James from his ego. I protected Sirius from himself. I protected Sev from everyone. I stared into the fire and wondered if your heart could actually shrivel up and fall out of your chest. I wished it would. It had to be less painful than this.

Mudblood.

I could handle that word. It was kind of a funny word when you thought about it.

Mudblood.

Like you would bleed mud. Like you were so unclean, so impure, as to not even bleed red anymore. Less than an animal. Like a weed. Less than a weed. Like dirt. Less than dirt. Mud. I almost laughed. I was feeling slightly hysterical.

_Livid_. I was also absolutely livid. How dare he? I stood by him. Everyone asked me why I was friends with him. Sirius had shouted at me about him and I shouted right back. I defended him. _I _defended _him_. What was Sirius doing right now? Some kind of a victory dance probably. I glanced around the Common Room, but he was neither he, nor James, Remus and Peter were anywhere to be seen. Sirius had expected this, warned me about this. He had known, hadn't he? That Severus, that Snape, that _Snivellous _would hurt me.

No. Not Snivellous. Never Snivellous. Maybe he was not Sev to me anymore, but he was never Snivellous. That was _their _name for him, their punishment for his greasy hair, his funny too-old way of speaking, the perpetual sniffle he had grown out of three years ago.

His fascination with the Dark Arts.

His mile-wide cruel streak.

His tendancy to call everyone of muggle birth _Mudblood_. Everyone of my birth.

I was a mudblood.

I was a mudblood, and Severus hated me.

I could see it all, see what they saw when they looked at him. It was as though my eyes had been opened. I had to take him off this pedastal that I had placed him on so many years ago. I had to realise that my rescuer, my teacher, my protector, and this new Severus were two different people, or I could not heal. This Sev was not a good person.

But this Sev was not a bad person either. He loved me too. Somehow, he could not help this darkness that was inside him.

And buried deep inside, was my Sev. Maybe one day, I would find him again.

No, maybe one day, he would find me again. Because I could not sit around waiting for him to come to his senses. As soon as he left school, he wanted to join You-Know--V-Voldemart. That was Sirius had yelled at me, shaking me, pleading with me to understand. And I suddenly did understand. He had made his decision. He had chosen his course. I was choosing mine. We were on opposite sides, opposing teams. We could not be friends. I would fight as well. I would fight, and maybe one day, Sev would find his way back to me.

"He's going to sleep out there!" The high, nasely voice of Mary MacDonald snapped me out of my thoughts.

"Excuse me?" I looked away from the fire and towards Mary and Marlene who were on one of the couches closer to the door of the portrait hole.

"_Snivellous_. He's threatening to sleep outside the Fat Lady's portrait."

"Don't call him that." I said automatically. Marlene shot me a sympathetic look. "I should go talk to him, yeah?" I asked looking at Marlene.

"I would recommend it, if you want him to go away anytime soon. Though how a _Slytherin_," She said the title like an expletive, "knows where our Common Room is is beyond me. It's _supposed _to be a secret." At this she shot me an extremely dirty look. Marlene looked concerned. She reached one of her tiny hands out and placed it on my arm.

"You don't have to do anything you don't want to do Lily. You know how volatile Snape can get when he's upset. I don't want you to get hurt. No one will blame you if you leave him out there. He can't get in here."

"No. No, I need to go talk to him. I'll get rid of him. I'm sorry about this."

"I'm just worried about you Lily."

"Don't. I'm good." I forced a smile, and made myself leave the warm fire, and walk purposefully towards the portrait-hole.

"If you're not back in fifteen minutes--"

"Go get Sirius and James."

"I was going to say I'd get a teacher, but that'll work." I paused before leaving the Common Room, pondering.

"Probably just Sirius. I don't imagine James wants much to do with me after today."

***

"I'm sorry."

"I'm not interested."

"I'm sorry!"

"Save your breath," I stared at Sev. He made a pitiful picture in his rumpled robes slumped against the wall with a hand against his face. I fought to keep my resolve. I remembered his expression this afternoon. He had shown me no pity then. I would show him no pity now. "I only came out because Mary told me you were threatening to sleep here."

"I was. I would have done. I never meant to call you Mudblood, it just – "

"Slipped out?" Now it was not difficult to keep my voice cold and pitiless. His words were like a knife to my still-healing-gut. "It's too late. I've made excuses for you for years. None of my friends can understand why I even talk to you. You and your precious little Death Eater friends" I paused a moment, waiting, but he simply slipped all the way to the floor with his knees to his chest. My heart wrenched even as I saw red. "You see, you don't even deny it! You don't even deny that's what you're all aiming to be! You can't wait to join You-Know-Who, can you?"

I watched Sev open his mouth. He broke my heart when closed it without speaking, closing the door on our faltering friendship with a finality that words never could have.

"I can't pretend anymore. You've chosen your way, I've chosen mine." I was finally sure. He had made me sure.

"No – listen, I didn't mean – "

" – to call me Mudblood?" My voice broke. _Sev, Sev, Sev. You have so far to go, friend. My enemy. _"But you call everyone of my birth Mudblood, Severus. Why should I be any different?"

He wanted to speak, to beg my forgiveness, to continue in our familiar, self-destructive pattern, but with a long, final look I turned and climbed back through the portrait hole. He did not see me crumple as the Fat Lady slammed behind me.

***

It was so late, and I was all alone. I was not sure if this was an altogether wise decision, but it was too late to do anything about it now, and I didn't much feel like moving. Marlene or Alice probably would have stayed up with me had I thought to grab one of them, but they had long since gone up to bed. So I was half-grateful when I heard the voice.

"You okay?" It came from behind me. It was a voice I recognized, but one I had not heard in a long time. James walked slowly around the couch I was curled up on to face me. He looked awkward; a welcome change from his forced confidence and swagger. His voice was that of the James I remembered, not cocky, not arrogant, just quiet, ready to listen. I couldn't help but smile a bit, through the tears I hadn't realised had escaped my eyes. I had missed him.

"No. But I will be." James sat slowly, hesitantly down beside me, as though not sure this was allowed after our angry confrontation by the lake. I scooted over some more to make room, and that was all the invitation he needed to make himself comfortable. I loved that about James. Awkwardness could only last so long around someone so _comfortable_. He was like that old sweater your mom told you to throw out, but you sneaked out of the rubbish bin at the last moment. Warm. Snug. Comforting. Probably too messy to be seen in public with.

"I love him so much, you know?" I spoke to the fire at first, but when I turned to look at James I saw he wore an expression mingled disgust and hurt. "Oh not like that, idiot. He was just my first best friend. The first magical thing to touch my life. I thought we could get past the differences in our upbringings. Past the fact that I'm a _Mudblood_. I thought we were doing okay, looking past it all. I guess he wasn't as much." I looked up at James and was shocked at the expression of fury on his face. He seemed to be waiting, making absolutely sure I was finished talking before he spoke.

"Don't. Ever. Call. Yourself. _That_. Again." James looked as though he wanted to strangle something, though I wasn't quite sure what, or who. Possibly me.

"I am though. I'm a Mudblood. It's okay James. It's what I am. I'm okay with that."

"It's not okay. It's not fucking okay. I knew it. I knew if you were friends with him long enough he would get in your head. He's desensitized you Lily, but it's not okay to call yourself _that_. It's almost like you don't think you're good enough for him, when he's not even good enough to kiss the ground you walk on. You're smart, and brave, and nice to everyone Lily, but you do not have to be nice to him. Not anymore. You understand me?" I knew my eyes were wide as saucers, but James did not seem to care. He had hold of my forearms and was staring down at me intently. I nodded mutely. He let go.

"Good." And we were silent for a long time, staring into the fire together until I finally said,

"How is it that I can scream my head off at you in the afternoon, threaten to curse you within an inch of your life, then turn around and have a deep, soul searching conversation with you that same evening?"

"I'm a complicated guy. I have many layers," James' eyes twinkled.

"Why did you do that?" He looked at me questioningly.

"Embarress me. Hurt Se-Snape. Make me yell at you. I love you when you're like this, when you're normal. Why do you have to be like that? Why did you ask me out, and make me tell you no again? Why did you call me Evans?" My voice broke on the last sentence. James rubbed the back of his neck, looking extraordinarily _un_comfortable for once, then leaned back and looked at the ceiling. The silence was so long I thought he would not answer.

"I wanted you to see me again."

"I always see you." I sighed. "That's the problem. You do walk around the school like you own it. You hex people for annoying you--"

"I've already heard this once Lily. I don't need to hear it again." James' voice was harsh, but I could hear something akin to pain lingering just below the surface.

"Sorry. I guess I just wanted to justify what I said. You're my friend." James looked skepical, so I said, "You _are_. I don't have many close friends James. You're one of them. That's why I miss you so much."

"I haven't gone anywhere," James replied softly.

"You have though. You are not the same James from two years ago, not even the same James from last year. Sirius swears to me you'll grow out of it, but I'm starting to be less sure. I miss you. I want the old James back. I miss him."

"I'm right here!" James was starting to get frustrated.

"Tonight you are. Will you still be here tomorrow?"

"I'm not going anywhere Lily."

"Okay. Okay, I'll take your word on that." My last words were obscured by a huge yawn.

"It's late. You should sleep Lily." James said quietly.

"Stay." I whispered.

"Okay." He whispered back. His arm slipped around me as my head fell on his shoulder. I realised I didn't feel quite so empty anymore.

**I always kind of saw the scene at the lake to be a combination of things coming to a head for Lily. The demise of her friendship with Snape. The animosity between her and James. I also never bought the whole "I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I love you," bit. This is just my take on it. Which, I guess, is all fanfiction is. Our own take on it, yes? I'd appreciate reviews. If you just want to read, hey, that's cool too. **


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